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First posted on Newsweek. Read the full article here.
BY SOPHIE LLOYD ON 3/20/23 AT 12:35 PM EDT

A woman who blocked her recently widowed father-in-law from moving in has found support among Reddit users.

Sharing her dilemma with the Am I the A******? (AITA) sub, user u/plznotthereaita explained that her mother-in-law had recently passed away, devastating her husband and his father.

“My husband is still struggling and I’ve been doing my best to be kind, supportive, and understanding,” the poster wrote.

“But he’s been less attentive with our 3 kids (14F, 12M, & 9M) and I’m pretty sure he’s struggling at work too but he won’t admit it.”

His 75-year-old father is also struggling to cope with the loss of his wife, so her husband wants to move him into their home.

“He said that his dad being in the house he shared with his wife for the past 50-years isn’t doing him any good,” plznotthereaita continued.

“[My husband] an entire plan laid out so it was obvious to me that he’s been planning this for a while without talking to me about it.”

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Although the poster sympathizes with his pain, moving her father-in-law into their house isn’t practical.

“We did some renovations to make an extra bedroom so all our kids could have their own space. He wants to force our 2 youngest to share a room again,” she said.

“He also wants to talk to his dad about putting their house on the market or possibly renting it out, which means FIL would be here long-term.”

After listening to her husband’s plan, plznotthereaita’s immediately said “no.” Since so little time has passed since her mother-in-law’s death, she is wary of making such drastic changes in their family’s lives.

“He was not happy with my response and kept asking for specific reasons,” she said.

“His dad has enough money saved to afford a good retirement home or smaller condo, which would allow everyone to still have their own space.

“He didn’t like that idea either because it would mean his dad is still living alone.”

She also doesn’t want to pressure of dealing with two grieving people in her home, especially as she is picking up her husband’s share of the childcare while he mourns.

“I know if I tell my husband this, he’s going to think I’m being selfish, and maybe I am,” she said.

Reddit users backed plznotthereaita. In the poll attached to the post, they voted her “NTA” or “Not the A******,” with the story receiving over 12,000 upvotes and 3,000 comments.

‘The Choice To Have a Parent Live With You Can Be Overwhelming’

According to Pew Research Center, the number of U.S. adults living in multi-generational households is on the rise.

Analyzing census data between 1971 and 2021, researchers discovered that the number of multi-generation households has quadrupled. Americans cited financial issues (40 percent) and caregiving (33 percent) as key reasons for living with family members, while 28 percent said it was an “arrangement that they always had.”

James Miller, a psychotherapist and host of self-development and well-being radio show LIFEOLOGY, tells Newsweek there are many things to consider when moving a parent (or in-law) into your home.

“First, it’s important to forecast all the needs of the elderly parent,” he said.

“It is hard to think about health milestones, but it helps the couple be realistic about the time, energy, and expenses involved.”

Miller recommended looking into the government support available in your state for elderly care, along with reviewing their health insurance policy, as they might be eligible for assistance or home care.

Nevertheless, the emotional and mental impact it will have on the household should also not be taken lightly.

“The choice to have a parent live with you can be overwhelming,” Miller said.

“However, reaching out to agencies or organizations specializing in elder care will allow you to make an informed decision, instead of a decision based on emotions.”

‘This Is Too Much for Her Husband To Ask’

Reddit users told plznotthereaita she wasn’t “selfish” for not wanting her father-in-law to move in, with ObjectiveCoelcanth calling the decision a “big deal.”

“This is totally unfair to OP,” agreed waltersmama. “She can’t handle the responsibility for having an additional adult, who is also racked with grief, permanently in her space, which is a reasonable position to take.”

“Multigenerational living can work well when everyone’s on board, but it sounds like OP is already stretched thin,” commented janlep.

Many wondered if plznotthereaita’s husband planned to drop caring responsibilities on her, considering his father’s advanced age.

“I’m stereotyping, but what are the odds that the FIL relied on his wife for cooking and housework, and would transfer that expectation to OP?” asked AmITheAltAccount.

“I’m in total agreement with you that the hidden reason (along with grief) that this 75yo man is having trouble adjusting is probably because his wife did everything for him, and now he’s clueless,” said Weet_1.

“OP would probably be expected to take on FIL’s chores now and it would likely go over into full time caring for him when his health starts to go downhill,” wrote betterGrabATissueBox.

While No_Watercress4607 commented: “Women generally take on the majority of the responsibilities (housekeeping and mental) and if her FIL moves in, she will be expected to take on all of the work her MIL carried in their household.

“This is too much for her husband to ask.”

Newsweek reached out to u/plznotthereaita for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.

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