When a chapter in our life ends we like to find closure to help make sense of what has happened. We often experience this particular phenomena when a relationships ends. We try to have one last conversation or interaction with the other person in order to let go. We consider this closure.
What happens if that person doesn’t want to speak with you or have a farewell conversation? How do you get closure? Closure is actually a state of mind you create based on the data and facts that are presented to you. In essence, closure is what you give yourself, not what the other person gives you.
Think about it logically, what words can the other person say to have this all make sense? What will an hour long conversation do to ease your heartache? Somehow, after the interaction you then decide you now have closure. But remember, it’s not what the other person gives you, but rather the mindset you created to start the healing process.
I remember one client, with whom I worked, was told she would hear from her recent ex very soon to have their last conversation. She assumed it would be later that week. She never heard back from him. I explained this concept to her and asked her what specific words he could give her to make her feel better about the situation, or to give her insight about what went wrong. Since closure is something we give ourself, I had her write herself a very detailed letter expressing her feelings, heartache, and any other pertinent information she wanted to say in that last interaction. She gave herself the closure she needed.
The majority of individuals have decided that the formula for moving on is to continue to communicate with the person one last time before they let go. Remember, the information you currently have is exactly what you need to move on. Of course, this does not take away from the pain and heartache from a breakup, but it gives you the power of what you choose to take away from the relationship. Keep in mind, someone refusing to talk to you is also just as powerful information as spoken words. All interactions, words, and behaviors, including silence, are relevant information for you to use to find your own version of closure.
There is nothing wrong with having one last interaction. However, if your motivation is such, where you can only move on, or need this conversation in order to heal, then you’ve giving away your power to the other person. Your healing process, after you’ve given away your power, will be skewed and you will struggle to let go, sometimes for years. You are in essence telling them you will not move on until they give you want you want. Remember, if they have broken up with you they are not obligated to have any more interactions with you.
Waiting for someone, sometimes indefinitely, is one of the most painful things you can do to yourself. You are the person who gives yourself closure. No one can give this to you. It starts with you making a choice to let go. If a person left you, let them go. Their time in your life is over. You are a beautiful, wonderful person. Don’t give away your power waiting for them to give you closure. Give it to yourself.
James Miller is a licensed psychotherapist who is known for his weekly iTunes podcasts, YouTube channel, and his Academy where he teaches virtual classes for successful people to simplify and transform their lives. For consultation or for more information visit: www.JamesMillerLifeology.com.